For the past couple of years I have not had the same joy in my heart as I have had before. I have not been unhappy in any way, but in my heart there has been a feeling that I have never had before. That feeling is that I have to protect my current level of income so I do not loose it.
It is a silly notion as I am not depending on the level of income I have now, nor has it ever been the driving force of my life. The idea that my income would somehow affect the way I feel is something I have not even considered before. I find it a bit scary to realize that I considered having the income I have right now, as I am between assignment, as a cause for concern.
It feels strangely liberating to realize that this is that feeling I have in my heart that has troubled me for a while now. Somehow I have trapped myself into a mental image of myself as successful because I have a good income. I have become so used to having a good income that the idea of having that income lowered was scaring me. For no good reason I might add as my financial situation have never been better.
The concept of "reducing" myself, financially or work related, was strangely troubling for me for this reason. The simple truth is that my value as a person is not in the titles or the money I make. I am not the guy that should have the ceramic cup. I am the guy that get the Styrofoam cup. The one that help others to be seen, but who will always stand in the back and watch them step into the spotlight.
Somewhere along the way I forgot this. I forgot to listen and let others shine and I forgot to give myself the permission to fail so I can learn. Most of all I forgot that I am a student, not the teacher. That everyone I meet have a story that can tech me about myself. That my value is not defined by the trappings of wealth or titles.
Now that I remember, I feel a great weight lifted from my heart.