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  • My Personal Blog.

    This blog is where I place my own thoughts and reflections. For me this allow me to express things that are painful and frustrating, but also things that are amazing and put a smile on my face. This is me in my most intimate form.

    As a member of my site you are invited to get to know the personal aspects of me here. As I share my innermost hopes, fears and dreams I hope I can show you that you are not alone with yours. All people are complex and wonderful beings and by giving you a glimpse into me maybe I can make you see that in yourself as well.

    This is my heart I present to you. Please handle with care.

  • My Personal Blog

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

    ― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

    Lucky Guardian - Having great luck in Destiny 2 lately

    In the last few weeks I have had some great luck playing Destiny 2. Not only am I lucky enough to have a great Clan to play with that really support my efforts to get into the more difficult aspects of the game, I also got some of the most elusive loot in the game to drop.
    Raiding is a thing that has always been out of reach for me as a solo player. The 6 man activity takes a lot of effort to organize and you need a few good guides since the game mechanic is a bit tricky for newbies like me. Unfortunately raids also comes with great loot and they are required for some achievements in the game. This makes raids a bit annoying to say the least.
    Until now.
    I got invited to a Last Wish raid, or rather just the Riven part. It was a fun experience to learn what to do and where to stand for the Riven encounter and the queens walk afterwards with my clan mates. In the Last Wish raid most people want the elusive exotic called the One Thousand Voices. Many are still doing the Riven encounter every week just to get this exotic and I got it on my first try!
    Then on my birthday we scheduled a session for doing the Scourge of the Past raid. This was the full raid and while not difficult, it takes a bit of practice to get things right. We did the raid three times so I had a go with each of my characters. Again there is an exotic many are trying to get called The Anarchy. Of course it would totally unfair if I got that one on my first try as well, so I got it on my second run instead.
    I am now looking forward to having a go at Crown of Sorrows where the very last exotic I am missing is waiting for me. It is the Tarrabah and I doubt I will have the same luck for this one, but who knows!
    I want to give a big shout out for my amazing clan members for giving me the great gift of finally be able to do a raid. You are simply amazing and I owe you big time: GTA85, Vahlen, LordVektor, Q0ark, Rothric, Amazingjack, Darkimakura, Fearoc, Pablo, FoxHound, Vlood you are the best!
    ...to continue my good luck I have been grinding for the Platinum Starling ship that you get from completing 100 frames in the forges. While doing this I also got the last 2 shaders missing from completing the black forge items. The last one I know people have been grinding for a long time now and mine dropped at the same time that I got my 100th frame forged!
    So, now I will relax a bit and prepare for the Solstice of Heroes event to start tonight so I can start grinding out those new armors.
    Life is good right now.

    Today is my birthday and I feel old, but in a good way

    Today is 43 years since I arrived in this world and for some reason I feel old. Not in the negative sense that life is passing me by and my life soon is over, quite the opposite. I feel old in the sense that I have done mistakes and that has given me experience and for some reason people start to look to me for advice in life.
    In years I am not very old. 43 is hardly a number defined as being old and I have a long way to travel before my natural life span is over. I have done a lot in my 43 years however and unlike many people that by that age are experts in their fields with 20+ years experience, I still consider myself a student of life.
    I have tested myself in many ways and I have been close to the flickering lights of the other side a few times already. I have been reckless and paid for it in pain and bodily harm. I have fought injustice, real and imaginary to the cost of my job. I have been foolish and narrow minded and I have made many, many mistakes. These are scars I carry on my body and in my heart. Reminders of lessons learned.
    I decided a long time ago that the only way to become a better person is to understand the world around me better. I decided that I can live my life with fear in my heart or let it go to make room for something else. I decided that instead of frown at things that was different I should be curious and learn as much as I could about it. For a year after my brothers death I said yes to everything, regardless of how much it scared me. This experience had a huge impact on my life today.
    Today I can look back and see that there was so much I could have done differently. How late in life I realized what I was actually good at and enjoyed doing. But if I had I would not be the man I am today. I would not have the experiences I have had and even if I could have reached this point in life sooner, I am not sure that would have been a good thing. Sometimes the journey is what makes the destination to what it is.
    At 43 I am a bit puzzled that I have people coming to me for advice, both in their personal life and professional life. I am not a wise man and I am no expert in any field, but I am experienced in many fields so perhaps it's that. For a long time it felt that being so diverse in what I do was a big disadvantage as I did not have true expertise in any of the areas I worked in.
    I am a decent designer, I have written code since 1996 and I have quite a lot of knowledge and experience about conversion optimization and Neurowebdesign. I am certified in requirements and I have 3 years experience as a tester. I have certifications in Cisco networks and I run my own very small hosting business. Still, I know many that are better than me in all of these areas.
    One thing I have learned is that when you are at my level where you do E-commerce projects on enterprise levels as a team- or project leader you always have the best people in each field in your team. They do not need you to be an expert as well, but they need you to understand what they do so you can lead them properly.
    For a long time I thought being stretched thin covering all these areas made me a less attractive person on the market. Today I realize that because of this broad spectrum I am actually the opposite. It's not often I meet others that can do what I do where I can talk the talk with pretty much anyone in a project on any level and sometimes I can even surpass their capabilities and teach them a thing or two.
    In the past 2 years I have noticed that because of this broad spectrum of work and life experiences people have started to come to me for advice. It can be workplace related, life related or even career related. Not only is this something I consider very flattering, but I also take it very serious as my advice could have an impact on a persons life and career.
    At 43 today I realize that I have already accomplished a lot in this world, hopefully to the better. I also realize how much there is still to learn and explore. My greatest discovery in life so far is that it is ok to fail and that it is ok to let go and just dive into whatever comes. Fear no longer control me because I have learned that it is a prison of my own making.
    I still struggle with permitting myself to be great as I find that to be boastful and disrespectful. I know what it is like to be a the very bottom of the darkest hole and I would never be able to consider my own worth be greater than those that still are trapped there. Perhaps though I need to consider that I can still be a light that show them a path out from that pit of despair. Perhaps I need to consider the words of Marianne Williamson:
    At 43 I am still but a student of life and I look forward to the coming years where I will fail and fall. In doing so I will also learn and hopefully become a better person. Perhaps I can someday allow myself to shine so others feel secure enough to let their own light grow and hopefully surpass my own.
    Only time will tell where my journey will take me next, but I am going to enjoy the ride no matter where it takes me.
    Today I am 43.

    Exciting week ahead and yes I have a beard...

    Last week was very exciting for me and I had some great fun at work to say the least. I am now moving forward towards a very exciting week with some directions that need to be confirmed. I also get to decide if I keep my Apple Watch Beard™ or not as I should get it on Friday finally!
    So on work I have had an awesome time this week, not just at the client, but also internally. I had a meeting where I set up some goals for the next year or so and now I am super excited to say the least!
    I have some great challenges ahead and my mind is going bananas over all the amazing opportunities I have at Claremont. We are already awesome beyond belief in the UX team I belong to, but the potential is just staggering!
    Barely a month as an employee and I am ready to kick in some serious gears as I see potential pretty much everywhere. It feels so great to work in a company where growth is seen as a good thing and where I feel I can pretty much go where ever I feel I want to.
    After a very long wait it looks like my Apple Watch Nike Edition is finally going to arrive on Friday. It's actually going to be my first watch ever that I might actually wear. Even if I have had a few watches before I never liked to have them on my wrist, so I hope Apple Watch can change that.
    Last week I decided to test having a beard with the motivation "hey, why not?" and the fact that I have never actually tried it before. So far I am not really sure how I like it after two weeks, but I guess I need to let it grow a bit more before I decide. You can follow that experiment on my Instagram if you are interested.
    Personally I started with my get up early project, but I realized it was not what I needed. Instead I downloaded an app to my phone and set up some some tasks I needed to do every day. This included getting more sleep and drink plenty of fluid which has done wonders so far.
    Water and sleep are important so I'll make sure I catch up on that as I have been pushing a bit hard before the summer and I need to fill up on the energy reserves and flush the body of stress related toxins.
    So my coming week will be amazing and some decisions will most likely be made so I get directions going forward. I'll also move forward with some fun projects, both privately and at work and of course I'll spend some time learning how to live with a watch on my wrist.
    So even if the fall is making things dark outside my inside is bright and just as colorful as the leaves outside in a golden sunset.
    Life is indeed good.

    Get up earlier to feel less tired?

    For a few months now I have felt tired, really tired, when waking up and while a lot of people will feel that this is normal, it has never been that for me. I am one of those strange people that are both a morning person and an evening person, so now that I am having some issues waking up fresh in the morning it's time for a change.
    One of the reasons for not waking up rested is of course overworking and not working out. I stopped working out after moving to Täby Kyrkby because there is no gym nearby that is open when I want, or rather need, to workout.
    Before the move I was fortunate enough to have a 24/7 gym just 2 km away and I loved getting up at 3.30 in the morning to go there. Besides getting a very nice workout in a gym that was not crowded I also felt invigorated by the amazing sunrise that I was greeted with on my way home in the spring and fall. In the summer I got that going to the gym instead, which is just amazing.
    I know that there is these theories that getting up early will empower you and increase your productivity, but that is not my reason for wanting to get back to early mornings. I simply need more time in my day and I want to get back to training again. Fortunately for me a new gym is opening in Vallentuna early next year just 3.7 km away!
    Getting up earlier is a great way to start the day regardless in my opinion because I get more time to do things and I get to start the day with no stress. At the moment I am restructuring my many websites to get them back in shape and refocused after splitting my blog into two. Having just an extra hour in the morning to write a blog post or on my book over a cup of newly brewed cup of coffee would just be amazing.
    So starting today I will change my daily routine to get some calisthenics training in and also to get some stretching going because I am getting old and inflexible, which is not good. Tomorrow I'll set the clock for 5 a.m. instead of 6 to see how that feels and then I'll go for 4.30 or even 4 if it feels good so I am prepared for when the new gym open next year.
    I see a lot of people talking about how they loose energy in the day from getting up early. That is most likely because they do not compensate for the time shift and they try to still eat at the same times. To compensate for this you can do what I do and just have a protein shake before hitting the gym and then eat breakfast at 7 as usual. Or you can add another meal in at around 10 to keep your energy levels even.
    With an earlier start and some workout I should get rid of this feeling of being tired and the energy levels should get back to normal quickly. I am really looking forward to getting back to the gym so I guess I need to get a new pair of running shoes this week since my old ones are getting a little to worn out. Getting my Nike Edition Apple watch in a few weeks also feel like good timing!
    Are you also getting up a bit earlier in the morning or are you like me right now and not really in the mood for early mornings?

    For the first time in years my heart does not sing loudly with joy at the idea of going back to work...

    I have the best work in the world as I get to be a part of building incredible E-commerce solutions along side with awesome people from all over the world. For the past 10+ years my heart has been singing with joy and I have been reluctant to leave work at night and eager to get back to it in the morning. As vacation is nearing it's end my heart does not sing as loud as it used to...
    There is a cloud muffling the song of joy inside me while at the same time another song is slowly building up. In my mind a thousand things fly by as always, but one thought have slowly been overshadowing them all during the vacation: I am leaving my current work for another.
    This might seem trivial to some, but to me leaving my current company fill my heart with sadness. It has been my home and my extended family for five wonderful years and I have loved every single moment of my time here. 
    The people I work with are the best in the world and there is a bond between us that I can not really explain. We truly care for each other and our clients and that special feeling that I have every time I come to work has made a world of difference for me.
    Despite this I have made the decision to move on. A new company will be my home this fall and that fill my heart with excitement. A new beginning with new people that I get to know, a different focus and a different model for salary. These things fuel my passion for what I do and I very much look forward to the challenges ahead.
    Still I struggle with the two feelings of sadness from saying goodbye to my current colleagues and the joy of starting something new and exciting with another company.
    So my heart does not sing as loud as it used at the idea of getting back to work on Monday. It is with sadness I do my last weeks at my current company as I will have to leave behind so many awesome co-workers and friends even though I take comfort in knowing they will keep things awesome long after I am gone.
    It is with joy I look forward to the new challenges ahead and i know that it is just a matter of time before that song return again as loud as before. I need this change as I need to challenge myself to grow, but right now it hurt a bit.
    All things in life changes and change never comes without pain.
    I move forward, towards new challenges and new experiences.
    To hear that song return again, louder and stronger.
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